a long, long review for a long, long movie

Okay, so usually I'm one of those people who, after being told by numerous others that they Absolutely Have To See Insert Movie Here, will be stubborn enough to avoid seeing it just to spite everyone else. I mean, with (matinee!) tickets regularly costing more than $10 a piece, a girl's gotta be a little more selective with what she'll see in the theatre...especially when she's also got a Netflix queue to get through.

This was basically my mindset after having everyone at work gasp in horror at the fact that I haven't seen Avatar in 3D. And aside from being deliberately stubborn about it, I honestly just had no interest. CGI alien sci-fi/fantasy just isn't my cup of tea, generally speaking. Also I think James Cameron is an ass (this has yet to be disproven).

However, as a movie fan, I begrudgingly had to admit that the visual effects could really only be appreciated in the theatre, stupid 3D glasses and all. And since this was "the future of movies," I finally capitulated and decided I was curious enough to shell out the $12.50 ($12.50! I remember when matinees used to be $5 in my middle school years!). So finally this weekend I dragged my lazy ass to the theater and sat through all 160 minutes of Avatar: 3D.

Verdict? Well, it was pretty much what I expected and what most people said it was going to be.

WARNING

HERE MAY BE SPOILERS

(not really big ones...but, if you can't guess who wins, then I probably can't help you):

Yeah, the visual spectacle is pretty cool. It was my first 3D movie and it took about 15 minutes or so before I could stop squinting at everything (and I'm pretty sure I missed most of the dialogue/plot during this time--not that this mattered at all). Some of the scenery was downright gorgeous.

Yes, the plot is derivative. As a wise person* once said, it's like Pocahontas and Dances with Wolves had a torrid affair and produced a love child named Fern Gully. I have never seen Fern Gully so I will trust her biology is correct. I mean, I half expected Colors of the Wind to cue up during points where characters were leaping through the forest and sliding around on leaves. And the moral of the story is about as subtle as a bag of hammers. Military = bad. Nature = good.

Also? This movie is long. as. hell. Maybe I'm just getting old, but I cannot sit through movies longer than two hours anymore. The first two-thirds (three-quarters, even) went by relatively quickly, but that last chunk? It felt like the last battle was going on FOREVERRRRRR (Sandlot-style).

And here's the thing: if this is the "future of movies" I'll stick to the oldies, thanks much. Everyone seems to go on about how the CGI Na'vi were so "lifelike" and managed to capture all the emotional detail of the actual actors' faces and movements, but they left me totally cold. I'm starting to think it really is just me, because I don't see acting at all, I see CGI. I'll take real life people emoting any day. Quite frankly, the only reason I knew I was supposed to be rooting for them was because James Cameron was periodically hitting me on the head with anvils, not because I felt connected to any of the characters. Plus the villain was outlandishly, well, villainous.

All of this probably makes me sound like I hated the movie, which I didn't exactly. Is it moderately entertaining? Depending on your tolerance for a lame plot and passable-to-good acting, maybe yes. Will it undoubtedly and deservedly win tons of technical awards? Yes. But if this wins Best Picture at the Oscars, I will roll my eyes so far back into my head I'll be able to see my own butt. (For the record, The Hurt Locker was my favorite this year, and while Inglourious Basterds was underwhelming for me, I even liked that better.)

Other random thoughts:

1. I had no choice, but 3D glasses over real glasses? Not comfy.

2. Sorry but the alien sex scene made me snicker because I'm 12 years old. Also, it was weird. I mean, the Na'vi are weird in general, no?? With the mass chanting and stuff? Wait, does this make me a racist? Actually I found the whole concept of having an avatar and merging minds with it or whatever downright odd. Why would you want to do that? No, I'm not a political conservative with too much time on my hands.

3. Every time I saw that rival Na'vi warrior guy, "Should I marry Kokoum?" kept popping into my head.

4. Wouldn't see-through computer screens be really hard to look at?

5. This stupid little thing bugged me the whole time: if Main Guy was awake when his avatar was sleeping and awake when he was using his avatar, then when did he actually sleep? Or would using your avatar be considered sleeping? Nit, consider yourself picked.

6. And hey, Giovanni Ribisi! Nice to see you again!

*That would be my wise friend Alex.