twilight: a totally objective movie review by someone who knows very little about twilight

I don't really know what to make of this movie. I haven't read the books because I'm not 14 years old and teenage vampire love stories don't really appeal to me anyhow, but in my mind, it's definitely made to appeal to a certain demographic (giggly teenage girls). Though judging by the number of people at work who say their wives are apparently really into it, obviously I'm wrong. Naturally, out of sheer curiosity, I had to push it up to the top of the queue and see what all the hoopla was about (and I had a suspicion this could be one of those movies where I'm supposed to hate it on principle but end up secretly loving it. See Sweet Home Alabama). The verdict:

1. Robert Pattinson confuses me. Because most of the time his face looks pretty deranged, but then every so often, you go, "whoa, he was just hot there, how'd that happen?"

2. Unintentionally funny moment, no. 1: Edward shows Bella what he looks like in sunlight. What I expect to happen: his face goes all grotesque-scary-vampire-like. What actually happens: Edward starts to sparkle like he's applied too much Jergens Natural Glow.

3. The acting is not good. I guess Kristen Stewart is a sort of It Girl du jour, but she's got exactly three facial expressions and one severely monotonous voice. And I think R. Pattz was aiming for tortured with his portrayal but it landed somewhere between creepy and high for me. I don't know. I guess his accent was okay?

4. The writing is about 10x worse than the acting. "You're beautiful." "I'm a killer." "I hate you for making me want you so much." "You're like my personal brand of heroin." On second thought, maybe I should cut the actors some slack, because I don't think anyone can actually deliver those lines believably. I don't know if the blames lies with the screenwriter or the author, but someone should be fired for committing some of that dialogue to paper.

5. Unintentionally funny moment, no. 2: CGI allows Edward to scamper up trees like a squirrel, showcasing his amazing speed.

6. Now I realize this isn't exactly the fault of the filmmakers, but the plot is just awful. They fall in love in the course of like, 24 hours, because I think, if I have this correct, he's drawn to her because he REALLY wants to, you know, kill her and drink her blood, and the fact that he torturously resists makes him, like, totally romantical to her. So much so that she is willing to die for him so they can spend all of eternity together. Moral of the story: Obsession = love.

7. This movie is no Sweet Home Alabama.

Honestly, though? I'll probably still give it three stars on the Netflix queue. It sort of veers into that so-bad-it's-good territory. Don't get me wrong, it's entertaining shit, but...it's still shit, you know?